Saturday, August 24, 2013

shriveled

There's some study going around facebook about how spending too much time on facebook, peering into other peoples lives, can bring you down.  Because, of course, people only post the good stuff.  Their lives are spit-shined and sparkling.  Their children never poop on the floor, the dog never eats a dirty diaper, their spouse is never gone, they never lose their temper in front of their children, their car always starts and they're never late for anything.

My husband and I talked about that and I said, I've only had time for snapshots on the blog this summer--all full of canoeing and camping and everyone having a grand 'ol time.  I should do a blog post on the shit-for-crap 36 hours I experienced last week.  Because, you know, I'd hate for any reader of mine to think our lives are golden, parenting isn't the hardest job I've ever had, or that I'm not often struck with the desire to move closer to someone who will watch my kids while I sit down and *do nothing* for an hour or two.  He got all enthusiastic and said, Yeah!  And you could post all the bad pictures!  (Way to be supportive honey!)

I would do that except Hazel just picked up some little bug and she's sniveling and having a hard time sleeping.  I can hear her down there snotting around and I'm expecting she'll wake up at any moment.  Also, I'm exhausted.  My man's been gone for almost two weeks.  It was all I could do tonight to drag my ass up here.  On top of that, I'm tired.  As in, Tired.  As in, I haven't had a day off in 4 years TIRED.

It used to be a fleeting thought, the little mini-vacation I'd give myself once Hazel is fully weaned and both kids are no longer physically attached to me.  What would I do?  Go backpacking?  Lately, that fleeting thought has transformed into a biting obsession.  Backpacking?  Visit a big city (because my husband hates them and I'd be alone)?  Maybe a quick trip to a foreign city?  How long do I get?  I do get something, right?

At the end of my shit-for-crap 36 hours I sat down to eat some sad, leftover meal and looked up to see my own likeness staring me in the face.  I had to laugh.
And there's my cue, oh poor Hazel.  She takes colds so hard.

19 comments:

  1. Yes! You get to backpack and play and then miss your girls immensely and crave being with them again;) I love the exotic plan here. I have said when Poppy is big and weaned and all that jazz I am doing 24 hours in a hotel room where I have baths, eat room service, watch a movie, and read my book ALL BY MYSELF- truth is the idea of pulling clean, crisp sheets in a dark room and sleeping until I can't sleep anymore is the real dream here! A little fantasy I can do. Then I will backpack solo- great idea!
    Hugs to you mama, it is such a hard & long road. I am with you on how hard it is. 3 years now and need a moment but get none.
    Hope Hazel gives you (and herself) a quick recovery.
    Xx Ashley

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    1. 24 hours in a hotel room (with an on-site spa?) sounds just perfect. I NEED the moment and instantly feel guilty for wanting the moment. Guilt or no guilt, I still want it. And thank you, Hazel *did* have a quick recovery!

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  2. Two weeks! Kudos, Mama! Life sure is easier with somebody (another adult) to enjoy it with ~ especially the not so pretty times.

    I've been daydreaming about going to a hotel to take a looooonnnng bath, read/write....watch trashy TV for just a few hours and then high-fiving Barry for a quick hand off and he can do whatever also. Hotels that rent by the hour are typically gross, but there has to be a market for those of us that are nursing or just want respite for a teeny-tiny bit.

    I appreciate your blog because i feel like it is REAL and I know that the snapshots, although they are breath-takingly beautiful, they are just that: snapshots. We're in the trenches also and seeing snapshots can sometimes be a reminder that I've got my own version of 'Summer Snaps" right here in front of me.

    Hang in there!!

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    1. My dad and step-mom just offered to watch the kids if we happen to be in A-town near Christmas and they suggested we fly off to someplace warm. I don't think Hazel's going to be okay with no parents for more than a couple of days, but didn't you go to some hot spring resort near Seattle somewhere? That might be just the ticket. Away, nice, but not too far. And, oh, my do I have a load of "August Snaps" awaiting me. (P.S. I love the high-five and quick hand-off idea. But my man already gets SO MANY nights in hotels with no one but him, even though he's working. Does it count or not?)

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    2. It's in Canada, but Harrision Hot Springs is what you're thinking of. We're headed there again in a few weeks, it is our version of Chico (minus the 10+hr drive). If you get a night or two away, I'd be happy to make some fun suggestions for you in the area if Harrision isn't what you have in mind. I'm already day dreaming about a Spring Fling for me & B.

      And if you really want to know how I vote on your man's chance to work away....I'd say it counts! Doesn't mean that he enjoys it (I'm sure he misses you all and the routine of being home) but I say it counts.

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    3. Yeah, that's the one! But now it looks like we won't be heading that way for Christmas after all....not enough vacation time. Next time we *do* head that way, we should try to meet, no?

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  3. Oh I hear you! Although whenever I get a small break from the kids I think about when I will see them again ha! The curse of motherhood, we are addicted to and exhausted by them. And we would in reality have it no other way. I think backpacking is a great idea. Some you time is important too x

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    1. I KNOW! Even just going to book club for a hour and a half--although I don't think about them AT ALL while I'm there--it's like I have to make up for the lost time when I get home! Love those little creatures!

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  5. Loved this post! I worry at times that people might get the wrong idea about my life because I choose to (publicly) share the more positive moments. But then I shoo that thought away because I absolutely know that we all have our dirty laundry. We all have it. I like to think that that just goes without saying. Also, if you ever want to get away, say somewhere halfway between Jackson and Denver, I'd love to meet you in real life. :)

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    1. I'd love to meet you halfway! Someday. We'll figure it out. A leisurely spa?
      Nearly all the blogs I read share the more positive moments, but not always. Here and there, we get a dose of the underbelly. Maybe just a sentence, maybe it's in-between the lines, but it's there. I like to know my favorite bloggers have the dark days too. But I don't want every dark scene--who would want that? I adore your blog, it is, as my friend above put it, REAL. You give us just enough of the dark, but without the gory details. Also, I remember seeing a bit more of the underbelly when your kids were younger...does it fade with age, or just change?

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    2. I'm going to include myself in on this whole 'I'll meet you halfway" plan. Someday.
      Okay. Thanks.
      H

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  6. Yes! {to all of it} I feel guilty but hopeful as the wean down time is ticking in my brain (my youngest is a 19 month old). Will I ever sleep through the night again? Will these teeth finally ever come through? I'm on 4+ years and counting, too.

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    1. Sister! We must be in the EXACT same place. I keep telling people: "Just as soon as the last canine comes in, everything is going to change." Hazel is now 21 months and that canine came in TODAY!!!! Unless, it sucks back up, which is what the last canine did. But still, we're so close. Are you planning to nurse until teething is done? Or just whenever? I always felt like I pushed Juniper into weaning before she was ready (but I was also pregnant), and in my ideal world I'd wouldn't mind if Hazel continued to nurse here and there, but not like her life depended on it. Not, in other words, with a total obsession. This morning I took Juniper to preschool orientation and my husband said the entire time I was gone Hazel point-blank told him: "Mama. Come. Back. ... Nurse." Over and over and over again. : )

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  7. Yay for Hazel's mouth relief! Cora's canines are all JUST THERE. I am silently willing them to poke through. (And I pretend I know nothing about the 2nd set of molars). And hey! Using the word canine. Oh, be still my heart. Everyone around here calls them eye teeth and it nags at me. Silently. [my masters is in bioanthropology and I've done too many classes in dental forensics/anthropology to let it go]

    I nursed my oldest (current 4 year old) until she was two - I only weaned her because I was 8 weeks pregnant and it hurt like hell. My plan this go around was to let her self-wean but I am feeling weary of it. We're down to 6am and once after school. The after school one will be hard to drop. It was for her sister. After a full day away and the stress and crazytown of getting home and dinner together - she cries for it so it's our first step after kicking my shoes off. I don't know how long I'd have to wait if I waited for her to decide. I will probably give it until 2 but I get so indecisive about it all. Glad to know I'm not the only one! I can count on one hand friends who have 'extended' breastfed and none are local. It feels good to connect to a mama like yourself! Thanks for your blog. I usually lurk :)

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    1. I would be so interested to know how the end of breastfeeding comes about for you. I have this ideal image in my head: Hazel continues to breastfeed on occasion, like once a day or every few days and then it just slowly disappears over time. But I really don't see how we will get there at the rate we're going. Right now, Hazel is capable of nursing more than a newborn. If she falls down, gets her feelings hurt, you name it, she says: "Mommy. Nursing." It's not a question. BUT! The canine is now through! The ball is rolling....

      Thanks for commenting, you are my favorite lurker : )

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  8. I hear you! I'm at EIGHT YEARS without much of a break and I count my lucky stars when some-or-all sleep extra-long for just a leeeetle more time "to myself". Today my meager hour of daily QT was cut in half by a poop emergency that ended with plops of poop on the bathroom floor by the poor, frantic 8yo. Then the baby waking a few minutes later. And they wonder why I get a wild look in my eye when someone dumps the entire box of ______ AGAIN or uses a step-stool to raid the pantry closet AGAIN or smears _______ all over the bathroom counter and mirror AGAIN or rips the bed apart in a frenzied game of _________ AGAIN. Or when I stutter over words when I'm giving instructions because I'm running on empty. Shriveled indeed.

    Re: FB. So interesting. And I didn't need a study to tell me that! I've felt it. I go on now and then, but don't have time for the black hole it becomes for me. Such a timesuck. And I usually feel like my life is lacking a bit when I'm done. LOL, as if.

    The underbelly. It absolutely exists and it is good to acknowledge it. It is helpful too, to take a step back and breathe and remember that there is an ebb and flow to everything, even the good and bad times. One of the most important skills in the tool belt of mothering the ability to adjust and bend and restructure on the fly. It is hard, but allowing for that flexibility in expectations is so, so soothing. It is a balm, helping to take the sting out of all the various catastrophes and plans gone awry. Of which there are plenty.

    And the roller coaster of parenting. Yes. We all ride it. :)

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  9. This book helped me sort out my thoughts in this realm in a big way: http://raingarden.blogspot.com/2011/07/steady-days.html. It is so good to resonate with others and glean a bit of wisdom from others "hoeing the same row". This mama is very thoughtful and particularly good at taking a step back.

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