Tuesday, October 23, 2012


Aaaah.  I've been trying to write Juniper's birthday post for a week now.  There is so much I want to say.  So much about her, over the last year.  So much about her, right now.  So much of the bubbling wellspring of emotions that come with the memory of becoming a mother, that instant I met the little human who'd been pressing her head against my ribcage.  I watched her birth video tonight.  I had been so sad and disappointed over needing a cesarean section.  I had wanted so badly to experience birth in the same way women have through all history, in all cultures, in all time (now, thanks to Hazel, I have).  Finally, that sadness is just a memory. With Juniper's birth, I became a mother.  And that will always be the most extraordinary day of my life.

:: Dear Juniper Autumn, Junebug, Bugs, Bugsy, Turkey, Chicken, Bean:

Today, it snowed.  You said, "It's snowing!  Because Santa Claus can come now.  [Pointing to an empty spot in the garage] Can he park right here?"  I mentioned that he usually parks on the rooftop.  Stretching both arms up to our metal roof you said, "Oooooh!  Yes!  Santa Claus can park UP THERE!"  I reminded you that Santa doesn't show up until we have LOTS of snow, but still.  You are excited.  You get excited about almost everything.  People often comment that you are so animated.  And so happy.  Dramatic.  There is a reason why your quotes are punctuated with exclamation points, italics and capitals.  This is you.  You are outgoing, social, loud, brazen.  We ALWAYS know where you are and what you're doing.  You tell us.
I admire you; I want to be more like you.  You are opinionated.  Smart.  Decisive.  Creative.  Funny.  You are kind, caring, compassionate.  Lately, you have developed a wisp of a shy streak.  You are stubborn, testing, "a pistol," "a handful".  You dance.  You laugh.  You love.    
Every night you ask to bounce on the trampoline.  You pretend to be a red tiger.  You love to dance and pretend-swim on our wood floor.  Last month you were obsessed with slides, now it is monkey bars.  This week you've been carrying around a small pumpkin like it's your baby.  You swaddle the pumpkin and take it for stroller rides.  You ask me, "Mama, can you say 'look at the precious baby'?"  And I do.  You make me feel proud, purposeful, humble, present.  You make me work to be better.  You make me wish there were more hours in a day.
You love pink, red and orange.  You regularly make cupcakes for me and Hazel.  You love dogs.  You love "friendly" bears.  You are "scary of" other bears.  You hate goodbyes.  You have the memory of an elephant.  Lately, you love to be held "like a brand new baby."  I will never stop holding you.  
You love to help water the garden.  You love camping and hiking and fishing with dad.  You adore your cousins and your grandparents.  You are an incredible big sister.  I am your rock, but you are a daddy's girl.
You want to be a black bear for Halloween.  You've said, "I'm going to be a SCARY bear and I will GROWL at you!"  And then, you've said, "No, I'm going to be a friendly bear for Halloween."    

Yesterday, you awoke from your nap, scared, yelling these words: "MAMA!  MAAAMMMMAAAA!!!!!  The bear!  I went out to the garden and the bear grabbed me and took me far, far away and I was looking for my family!  Oh nooooo!  Mommy, I had a bad dream!"    

And the other day: "Yesterday, when I was a bear, I bit my car.  My pink car."
^Nursing your black bear.  July 2012.^

I worry that I'm not good enough.  That I don't have enough time with you.  That I don't get to be with you enough.  I worry that I'm not enough of a role model, or I model the wrong things.  I want to do the best I possibly can with this heavy responsibility of raising two amazing little humans.  Bear with me, I'm learning.  We are in this thing together.

Saying "I love you" is just the tip of this great huge iceberg of love I hold for you.  Happy birthday sweet girl.      
P.S.  Yes!  We had an awesome party.  More later.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. She is so lucky to have a mama that knows her so well - and can describe her perfectly. My two favorite lines:

    1. "I admire you; I want to be more like you. You are opinionated. Smart. Decisive. Creative. Funny. You are kind, caring, compassionate. Lately, you have developed a wisp of a shy streak. You are stubborn, testing, "a pistol," "a handful". You dance. You laugh. You love."

    2. I am your rock, but you are a daddy's girl.

    P.S. I read the 'three' title and thought you were pregnant!!


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